


Captain Dick Joke

by LinneaKou



Series: Superhooligans [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, Graffiti, Hijinks & Shenanigans, International incidents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 03:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4084384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LinneaKou/pseuds/LinneaKou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pepper, Rhodey, and Bruce get back from their tropical getaway to discover that the Latverian Embassy has some new... artwork.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captain Dick Joke

**Author's Note:**

> AoU? What AoU? (I haven't seen it yet. BIG HAPPY SUPERFAMILY AWAAAAAAY)

The minute they landed at the SI private airfield, Pepper turned her phone back on.

The second Pepper turned her phone back on, it exploded with notifications.

"What the hell?" she gasped, nearly dropping it.

Bruce and Rhodey exchanged wary expressions.

"Don't pick it up," Rhodey said.

"Miss Potts!" Happy and Bethany Cabe were on the tarmac, running towards them. Happy looked harried and Bethany looked annoyed as hell.

"We had a situation while you were gone," Bethany informed them, eyebrow raised.

Pepper made a wordless noise of outrage. Rhodey looked like he wanted to lay down on the ground and curl into a ball.

Bruce pulled his glasses off and wiped them on his shirt. "A situation?"

 

"In my defense," Tony said, spinning in his chair, "it was not my fault."

"I can attest to that," Natasha said, upside-down on the couch and reading a magazine. "It was aaaaaaaall Cap."

"Do  _not_ speak of him to me. Ever. Again." Barnes groaned, slumped over the arm of the couch.

"You guys wanna tell me why you  _egged_ the Latverian embassy?" Rhodey demanded.

"We were backing up Cap!" Tony protested. "Tell'im, guys!"

"No, yeah, it's true," Clint said, laid flat on the floor. "Ow."

"Want me to walk on your back?" Wanda asked from the armchair.

"No." Clint groaned. "Yes."

Wanda got up, dropped her book on the chair, and stepped over in stocking feet in order to toe the archer's back. He moaned in relief.

Pietro snagged Wanda's book and thumbed through it, making a face. "Why are you reading this?"

"It's horrible," Natasha said in a tired monotone. "It has to be experienced to be understood."

"We can watch the movies later," Tony offered. "They're hilariously bad."

"Is... is that  _Twilight_?" Bruce squinted at the cover.

"I needed to read it," Wanda said, still walking on Clint's back. "I lost a bet."

"Guys,  _focus_." Rhodey had an expression on his face that was hilarious to see but was clearly a grimace. "Why did you vandalize the embassy?"

"Doom started it," said Sam, fistbumping Bucky. "And then Steve kicked a robot's face in and said 'this is the last time that yahoo sends his robot army in, I am gonna string his Latverian balls up on a flagpole' and dashed off."

"He had a rough week," Bucky added.

"Very rough. First there was that Serpent Society thing in Omaha, and then that giant floating head from AIM, and then someone released a giant mutant lizard in San Diego..."

"A worthy opponent, and a fearsome beast indeed!" Thor chortled, taking a large drink from a coffee mug of something that was probably not coffee.

"Where  _is_ Cap?" Bruce wondered.

"Getting chewed out by Ms. Arbogast," Tony answered, clearly fighting a smirk.

"Poor man," Pepper said faintly.

"So Cap got pissed off and, what, decided to egg the embassy?" Rhodey almost yelled, desperate to keep the discussion on-track.

"No," Sam said, stifling a laugh with his fist.

"No," Pietro spoke up, balancing the Twilight book on one finger. He was smirking, as were the rest of them. "No, not at all."

"What did he  _do_?" Bruce asked, looking very concerned.

Tony laughed, a deep, guttural laugh that sounded looser and freer than anything they'd heard from him for the last few months. "He drew  _dicks_ all over the building."

"Yeah, thanks for backing me up," Steve said from the elevator, stepping off. His expression was stoic, but Cap had a poker face that could rival a statue. "Where did you get all those eggs?"

"Mister Stark placed a special order for several dozen once he realized you'd run off," JARVIS informed the group at large. "He did so with glee."

"Hey, for what it's worth," Tony raised a fist, and Steve bumped it with his own. "Bastard had it coming to him," the said in unison.

Rhodey let out a long groan, Bruce stared, dumbfounded, and Pepper made a shrill noise that sounded like a cross between a sob and a shriek.

Then they burst out laughing.

"God, I'm sorry I missed that," Pepper wheezed, while Bruce disappeared into the kitchen to catch his breath and Rhodey bent over the couch, clutching his abdomen. "Please tell me there's footage."

"It's all over Twitter," Sam said, tossing her his phone.

"Oh god," Pepper gasped. "Oh god. Oh god."

"Why do you get to have all the fun?" Rhodey asked Tony, who shrugged.

" _You_ wanted a trip to my deserted island," he answered, grinning his shiteating grin. "You snooze, you lose, Rhodeybear."

"We are  _never_ leaving you lunatics alone  _again_ ," Bruce called from the kitchen. " _Never_!!"

**Author's Note:**

> Not sorry.
> 
> (Forgot to mention: Steve Rogers went to art school. Steve Rogers sat through life drawing.
> 
> Steve Rogers can draw a damn fine dick.)


End file.
